I wanna start with telling anyone reading that this wont be, like, the best writing you've seen. I'm a lazy 15 year old (as of writing) that hates english class, so that should tell you everything you need to know about how this'll read. I'm only really making this as an archive for me to look back on when im older, so i'd like it to be truthful to myself anyways. This blog will deal with heavy topics, so proceed with discretion.
It's 2 days into my junior high school year and im exhausted. I've had to deal with the town i live in for my entire life and every single year I cant help but feel like i want to leave more and more. Every day I wake up in my bed and I remember that I live here and it almost hurts. It's exhausting being a gay teenager in a horribly homophobic town to the point where I've daydreamed about running away and living somewhere where it'd be way easier for me to just live, but I know I cant. I try my best to find people who I know will support me, but with the prevalence of bigotry in my town, it's hard. Every day i have to go to school for the past five or so years has been a completely miserable one.
I often find myself getting mad at people who I either won't see for a decent while, or potentially wont see ever again. These people were usually the kind that would bully me and sling false accusations at me to hurt me. As an example, I sometimes replay conversations that happened months ago with someone using the R slur. I think of how ridiculous they are, and how I can't understand why they wont stop. but I can. It's likely that they're growing up ina house that normalized this type of language, and constantly got fed affirmations that this is ok. This doesnt excuse the things they say, but it feels bad. I'm worried that things like this won't go away- that people will always try to be hateful no matter what. the worst part is I know it's true. But even if that's the case, I still speak out, and I don't want to ever stop.
I mostly spend my time in my own world. I spend a lot of my time drawing or playing games and usually talking about it with my online friends. Speaking of which, most of my friends are online. I do gennuinely enjoy talking to them and their company, but I cant help but sometimes feel a bit bad when we speak. There's realistically no way we can meet in real life within the next few years, so it leaving me in a bit of a tough spot. I only ever really leave my house when i get to go out with someone else, but since all my friends are online, I dont do it as much as I'd like to. I consistently think about going outside for walks, or just to get some sunlight and fresh air, but never do. It's not that i dont want to, I just dont have any sort of motivation to.
I like to imagine what my old friends are doing. I like to imagine what my old bullies might be doing, too. even if i hold the memories that i have of them, i know they're human. I really do hope that they've changed, and can be friends with people like me instead of hurting them.
A specific moment comes to mind when i remember one of the people that bullied me, I'll call them B. B was friends with other people who had already shown they hated me, so i expected the same from them. My expectation was correct, of course. But even then, I remember that flight back from the school trip to new york. My phone died, and it wouldve been a long flight. I didn't ask, but B gave me their charger. At that moment, i think something changed in the way I think. I realized that, even if people are horrible in the past, things can change. Even something small like lending someone a charger on a long flight can be a stepping stone to growing. Even if B continued to be rude to me for the rest of my time in middle school, I dont think i cared as much. And, even if they did hurt me, and cause me to cry time and time again, i can attribute my change in thinking to them. So, even through all you've done, I thank you, B. For proving that we're all human to me at a point where I thought otherwise.
//a slight content warning before this entry//
//mentions of child abuse and drugs//
my birthday was 11 days ago as i write this. im 16 now (duh) but i dont really feel any different. I always kinda thought getting here would make me feel any different, but it hasnt. i feel like im falling behind a lot of people in my class and general age group, and i feel stressed almost daily.
For some context, I live with my grandma and grandpa. My mom went to prison for dug posession and my dad for other drug related crimes. I've never really had an issue with this, but it creates a weird rift in my family life. Even with my mom out of prison, i barely know her. It's felt awkward the two times we've met since she got released- it's hard to even call her family. I don't want to hurt her feelings as I do still care about her, but I think she overestimates how good our relationship is. My grandma is the real mother in my life, honestly. She's the one that's raised me my entire life so far while my grandpa sits on his ass and doesn't do shit. I feel bad whenever she talks about financial issues because i know my grandpa could be helping, but he doesnt.
Speaking of my grandpa, I hate him. I've heard stories of him hitting my uncles, aunt, and my mom. I've experienced it firsthand, even. He gets angry at small things like me talking back, going so far as to hurt me. Recently, this has gotten worse.
He's recently started leaving out bathroom door open. originally, I closed it, as we have a dog that likes getting into the garbage in there. after he told me to leave it open as it got hot in there during summer, although i consistently forgot. I've had muscle memory of closing it for around 5 years or so now, so it shouldnt be that surprising. Instead of reminding me like a regular person though, he slammed my door open at 1am one night and started screaming at me. My grandma woke up and had to tell him to stop. I started leaving it open for a few weeks, but it's starting to turn to fall, so i've decided to start closing it again. His one complaint about it being too hot should be fixed as the temperature drops, I thought, although clearly I wasnt right.
Today, he came into my room again, yelling at me. I've unfortunately got used to it, so i wasn't too fazed, all until he started threatening me. he threatened to completely take the door off, and that he would "put me in my place". My grandma once again had to intervene, but I'm still scared. I dont feel safe around him. Every time I've left my room i could feel myself shaking, even while he's asleep. He gets high before he drives me to school, too, so I've considered walking more than once. I know it wont solve much, though.
I can't wait until i start college. I'll live on campus and cut contact with my grandpa completely. I dont want to show up for his birthdays or check in if i visit. I'm exhausted.
thank you for reading.